… and in the end you’re just something I failed

Journey to Recovery

Don’t be scared to speak up. It’s harder when you try to burden everything on your own. If you feel broken know that every day you can become that much more stronger, and if you keep at it every part of you will be stronger and more sturday than it ever was before. Don’t let people silence you. Once you’re ready don’t hold back and make your voice matter. If you feel safer being silent that doesn’t mean you’re wrong and it’s okay to take your time. Anyone who suffers from addiction, abuse, ED, or anything else under the sun, you matter. It’s okay to seek support or even therapy. Or any safe places. Know you’re not alone. Even if it may feel like that. If you even have that one person it could feel a little less lonely. And it is lonely especially if people haven’t gone through certain things it feels like they can’t truly understand they can only think that they do.

I Miss Being Called Dad…

Thought by now I would be used to it and it wouldn’t hurt as much as the very first time it ever happened; Arriving home and not being welcomed by YOUR little person, getting bombarded with mini hugs and little kisses. You find unicorn pajamas laying on your bed belonging to the little person who slept with you the last two nights. Then you find the little container containing the slime that was crafted over the weekend, better make sure you don’t lose it otherwise you won’t hear the end of it next time… Then you remember that next time is two weeks away again.

Fatigue begins to take its toll, drained by the heavy-long drive, the never ending traffic, and seeing faces filled with disgust has become a permanent way of life. You then go to bed with tears in your eyes, and your only comfort is YOU reminding yourself that two weeks will go by quick.. At this point you begin to miss that cute little voice saying “Daddy, I love you..” I miss being called DAD on a daily basis.

No one will ever understand this pain unless they’ve lived it themselves. If that’s the the case, I hope you find your peace soon, my fellow friend. . . .

Most Richly Blessed

I asked for strength, that I might overcome any challenge. I was made weak, that I might understand those in need.

I asked for health, that I might accomplish anything. I was given sickness, that I might understand the human condition.

I asked for riches, that I might be without want,. I was given only what I needed, that I might learn to avoid greed..

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of others, I was given mortality, that I might know my limitations.

I asked to be given everything, that I might live without desire. I was given nothing but goals, that I might understand ambition.

I got nothing that I asked for, But everything I had hoped for. Almost despite my own unnecessary requests,

My unspoken prayers were answered completely, And I found all that I sought in places I never dreamed. It was never about what I wanted, Yet always about what I truly needed.

I am, among all people, most richly blessed.

How Life Goes

In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.

Everything Happens for a Reason

I realized I couldn’t change what had happened. I couldn’t change my feelings. I couldn’t change hers. I couldn’t change the pain she brought me and I brought her. I couldn’t change the night everything got ruined. But I could change how I handled future situations. I wanted to keep a positive mindset and not be depressed . I was given an opportunity to redefine who I was in a positive way. Yeah it was unfortunate that I lost her. I still think about her everyday, hoping she’s doing well, hoping she’s moved on and happy. Yes I miss our adventures and conversations and stupid ideas. But I don’t miss not knowing who I was. I don’t miss belonging to another person. I don’t miss giving myself up entirely to feel loved and accepted by someone who didn’t want me the way I wanted them anymore. But that’s okay. I believe everything happens for a reason. This is a journey. Although the road here has been hard and sometimes it feels real lonely, I have to remind myself to be strong and to not give up! I hope you all can take from this and see that it is possible to move on. It is possible to overcome any situation you think you won’t get over. This is my journey.

10 Things I Wish I had Learned at an Earlier Age

1. You will doubt yourself, your identity, the meaning of your existence, and how you fit in the world at so many points during your journey. The world around you will make you think that this is easy to remedy, but the doubt will often creep in when you least expect it. Remember, all of us feel like that at times. There is so much healing when friends and family normalize these feelings.. Many of them have been through those periods of doubt and uncertainty and have great perspectives on how to navigate it.

2. Stay close to the friends who give a shit when you’re feeling bad. They can process with you, let you complain, and give you an outside perspective that you did not think about yet. Those are the people that change your life and remind you why we’re put on this earth—to help each other out.

3. Finding ways to cope with your anger and sadness are invaluable. I wish I had figured out earlier on in my life that exercise, eating right, having strong support systems, and taking time every day to meditate, pray, or decompress really works wonders. There are a ton of other ways people cope with difficult emotions; it’s all about finding out what works for you!

4. You will likely not talk to many people who you are friends with when you’re younger. I think a better way to reframe this reality is to realize that many people fill a role that you need at that time in your life. Trust that you are always being guided to the right friends, acquaintances, coworkers, and partners.

5. Speaking of partners, do not (and I repeat, do not) ever compromise who you are to make someone comfortable. They will not respect you, the relationship will not flourish, and you ultimately will feel resentful towards them.

6. There will be people that will likely suddenly pass away without rhyme or reason. Classmates, parents of people you know, and those even closer to you might one day be there and be gone the next. Have faith their memories are still there in spirit. Lean on those you trust during this time and give yourself days, weeks, months, and possibly years to grieve. Don’t focus too much on why the loss happened; stay grounded in figuring out what you need to help yourself in the present moment.

7. Comparison is the enemy of content. No person’s accomplishments, marriage, career aspirations, financial situation, or appearance is worth you losing sleep over. Wish them well and focus on your own self-actualization.

8. You will start to question things that you never did when you were younger—religion, politics, the motives of others, dynamics of family members and friends, and even whether or not you want to fit into the white picket fence lifestyle that many of us were expected to achieve. I truly believe that truth-seekers, trailblazers, and those who question things around them can be led to deeper truths about who they are and what their purpose is. Don’t surround yourself with people who stifle this part of you.

9. Literally no one cares about the clothes you wore in high school or college, the music you listened to, or the people you hung out with. If you were happy, healthy, or just figuring it out, let go of trying to fit in. I promise, you will sleep better at night. I have found it really awkward and uncomfortable when I am talking with someone who is pretending to be someone they are not because they think they are fulfilling a social expectation.

10. Forgive, forgive, and forgive again. Forgiveness lets you move through emotional pain, grief about relationships ending, and misunderstandings among friends and peers. It feels like a huge burden is lifted off of your shoulders. It also doesn’t happen overnight; give yourself patience and grace!

Above all, remember that at any given moment, most of us are doing the best we can. NEVER underestimate the power of a good laugh, a drink or dinner with loved ones, or a really good cry. These have been some of the most healing activities I’ve ever engaged in.